Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety is something almost all parents with children experience. Your child bursts into tears as soon as you disappear from sight or make moves to leave. What exactly is separation anxiety, and how do you deal with it, especially around bedtime?
What is separation anxiety in babies?
The name 'separation anxiety' already gives a good indication, but what does separation anxiety mean for babies? Separation anxiety is your child's fear of being separated from you. We refer to separation anxiety when your child starts crying as familiar people (like you) leave, even if it's just for a short while. Your child cannot yet fully grasp the situation, making them feel angry and/or sad.
Common moments of separation anxiety include when you put your child to bed or drop them off at childcare, but a baby can experience separation anxiety at any time. It's essential to know that separation anxiety is entirely normal in babies and children. It often arises suddenly and has nothing to do with what you do or don't do.
When does a baby experience separation anxiety?
You could initially take your baby to the babysitter or daycare without any issues, but now, they burst into tears as soon as you indicate that you're leaving. Separation anxiety is usually most intense between the ages of 8 to 24 months.
This doesn't mean that every child continuously experiences separation anxiety. Every child is different, but there are generally a few phases when separation anxiety peaks. These are also periods when children usually go through a sleep regression, which can contribute to a peak in separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety at 8 months
Separation anxiety at 12 months (1 year)
Separation anxiety at 18 months
Separation anxiety at 24 months (2 years)
As mentioned earlier, the extent to which separation anxiety manifests varies by situation and child. Sometimes separation anxiety diminishes quickly, sometimes gradually. Some children may struggle with it for an extended period, while others may not notice it as much.
How to recognize separation anxiety in your baby?
How do you know if your baby is experiencing separation anxiety? You can observe if your child exhibits the following signs:
Your baby becomes upset when you leave or starts crying when you exit the room.
Your baby becomes calm when you return.
Your baby becomes very clingy, especially when unfamiliar people are around.
Dealing with separation anxiety during sleep
What can you do if your baby or child is experiencing separation anxiety? It's important to realize that this is a healthy development and a positive sign. It means you are building a loving relationship, and your child enjoys being near you. Try to see it as something positive and show understanding for the situation.
It's challenging to provide tips that always work when your baby has separation anxiety. What works for one may not work for another. Also, what works one day may not help at all the next day. Our advice is to see what works for you and your baby. However, we do notice that it can help if your baby learns that you will come back. Additionally, a clear, predictable routine can have a positive impact.
Teach your baby that you will come back
Separation anxiety arises because your child is afraid you won't come back. It can help to teach your child that you leave but also come back. During a separation anxiety phase, playing peekaboo and hide-and-seek can be beneficial. This helps your child realize that you return after disappearing.
Falling asleep independently
What can you do if your baby or child is struggling with separation anxiety when you put them to bed? If your baby could already fall asleep independently before this phase, they likely won't suddenly forget this skill. If you maintain the same routine and do what you always did, there's a good chance your baby will calm down and eventually fall asleep on their own. Changing various aspects of the sleep routine suddenly can make it more exciting for your child. Therefore, the advice is usually to keep the routine the same, even if falling asleep takes a bit longer than usual and your baby behaves differently.
Clear and predictable routine
A clear routine has several benefits, for both your baby and yourself. A routine provides regularity, structure, and predictability. Babies benefit greatly from structure, as it helps them know what to expect, providing a sense of security. A predictable routine can be immensely helpful when your child is experiencing separation anxiety. It's clear when it's time to sleep, eat, or play. Additionally, it makes it predictable that you will be there when your baby wakes up in the morning, contributing to a sense of security. In this phase, it might also help to extend the bedtime routine a bit to have more one-on-one time with your child.
