Co-sleeping: choose what feels right for you
Parents find it difficult to talk about their children's sleep problems. An even more challenging topic is co-sleeping with your baby or child. There is still a taboo surrounding this issue. In my practice, I notice that parents often hesitate to be honest about co-sleeping with their baby because they are aware of the risks and receive advice not to do it. However, some parents feel a deep inner need to do so or observe that their baby sleeps better that way. Co-sleeping with your baby or child is, in my opinion, a very personal choice. I do not express an opinion on whether you should or should not do it. However, I believe that both options should be open for discussion. Parents who consciously choose to co-sleep with their child should not only be made aware of the dangers but should also receive information on how co-sleeping can be done safely.
Co-sleeping with your baby: risks
Sharing a bed with your baby used to be common for decades, especially in non-Western cultures. However, in Western countries, the trend has shifted towards babies having their own beds in their own rooms. And we even label this positively: if you sleep alone, we often view this positively as a sign of independence. It's only when you become an adult that you're finally allowed to sleep together. But why? What could be nicer than waking up next to the most wonderful people you know?
Nowadays, co-sleeping with your baby is often viewed as problematic, with a strong focus on its potential dangers, even being portrayed as life-threatening in some media.
I acknowledge the risks, such as the possibility of suffocation or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). These risks are higher if you smoke, drink alcohol, use medications or drugs, or if you are extremely tired or stressed.
The advice from health professionals is based on these risks, leading them to discourage co-sleeping.
Benefits of sleeping together
Co-sleeping feels natural for many parents, and for many, it feels right. Nowadays, we also understand how crucial attachment to your child is.
What happens at night matters. Sleeping together creates a lot of activity in your bed. To be honest, your physical sleep quality may be higher when you're alone in bed. You can reach a deep sleep more quickly, and you also have a better chance of going through that deep sleep cycle without interruption. However, the positive impact on your health when sleeping together is even greater. Research on adult bed-sharers shows that cortisol levels decrease and oxytocin levels increase when people sleep together: exactly what you need for a healthy night's rest. The feeling of security rises, and the risk of separation anxiety decreases.
TOUCH RELAXES
Skin-to-skin contact is one of the most important things you can give your baby. In fact, a baby craves contact more strongly than food and can securely attach when touched a lot. This research on preemies shows measurable effects on heart rate between being held or not. Touching relaxes. And relaxation happens to be very useful when you want to sleep.
THE MYTH OF SELF-REGULATION
There's a persistent myth about self-regulation or self-soothing in young children. The idea is that your child should learn to fall asleep and calm themselves from infancy. Nonsense, because babies actually learn to regulate their stress based on the caregiver. Your breathing, your heart rate, your production of adrenaline, cortisol, or oxytocin: all indicators for your child to regulate their own stress or relaxation. What we observed in the above-mentioned research on adults—who have long learned to self-regulate—can only apply even more strongly to children.
No such thing as uninterrupted sleep
Adults sleep in cycles of around 90 minutes. While we refer to this as "sleeping through the night," it's not entirely accurate. Like children, adults regularly wake up during the night, but we seamlessly transition into another sleep cycle. This process is usually smooth for adults, but for babies and young children, it's a different story.
Babies have much shorter sleep cycles, roughly 45 to 50 minutes. If a child sleeps next to a caregiver (in a safe manner), they might wake up, check for the caregiver's presence, have a drink, and often return to sleep. When a child sleeps alone, the caregiver needs to get up to reassure and help them find their way back to sleep.
Reality: baby often sleeps in parents' bed
The reality is that many parents do sleep with their baby in their bed, whether it's a conscious choice or a solution for sleep deprivation. So, shouldn't we as parents be better informed about how to safely co-sleep with our baby or child if that's what we choose?
Safe co-sleeping with your baby or child: how?
The safest option for co-sleeping with your baby or child is to share the same room, where your baby or child sleeps in a crib/ cot/ co-sleeper next to your own bed. However, there may be situations where you want to sleep with your baby or child in the same bed, or there could be other reasons.
When my daughter was a baby, I often slept with her in bed. There's nothing nicer than taking a nap together with your baby. Now, occasionally, I still sleep with her, especially when she’s sick or when on vacation. I just find it comforting, and it's my conscious choice. I don't feel guilty about it. If you choose to co-sleep with your child, you should ensure that it is done safely to prevent suffocation.Therefore, I adhere to the SAFE SLEEP 7. When I co-sleep, I avoid using alcohol or sleep-inducing medications/herbs. Neither my husband nor I smoke.
Safe co-sleeping with baby // summary of guidelines:
Keep your baby away from pillows.
Ensure that your baby cannot fall out of bed or get trapped between the wall and the mattress.
Make sure bedding cannot cover the baby's face or head.
Never leave your baby alone in bed, including young infants who can wriggle into dangerous positions.
How to prevent my child from wanting to sleep only in my bed?
I believe that co-sleeping should be a conscious choice, not just a solution for sleep deprivation. I am not afraid that my daughter will become dependent on my bed because I know she has mastered her sleep skills. Whether co-sleeping is a regular or occasional practice, my advice is as follows:
Always follow the guidelines of the SAFE SLEEP 7 (as mentioned above).
Place your child in their own bed during the day to help them get accustomed to it.
Explain to older children the distinction between their bed and the bed of mom and dad.
After the bedtime routine, place your child awake in bed at night. This allows them to practice their sleep skills and develop sleep independence. This way, co-sleeping becomes something to enjoy for both you and your child, not a necessity.
Sources:
Guidelines from dr. J. McKeena via https://cosleeping.nd.edu/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2903649/
